Sennadar Forums

http://sennadar.plebian.net/other/subjugation/sub08.doc


CD: Just modified to get it along with the rest of the site

Just so you know, chapter 8 WILL be edited.

The chapter seems flat to me, and I'll be dipped if I can't figure out what it's missing.  Half the reason I released it is because I need help from the editing crew.

(psst, that's you guys.)

So, find the missing piece.  The winner gets a cookie.

Better than the winner getting some nookie from you!!!!   EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!   Yuck!  what a horrible thought.

My first post...  :o

You desired feedback Fel, were here it goes:

Rehash the injuries first and the importance of the doctors arrival.

The doctor is a strong willed man who wasn't about to take crap from anyone... more dirty old man perhaps?

Concern about Jyslyn, does human tepe news break out should, perhaps maybe with your approval please don't stop writing, occupy the first part of the chapter as the doctor treats his patients.

He should try to contact her (Jys) sooner perhaps.

Perhaps more frustration as he tries to figure out how to feed people.

BTW did I mention that I love your writing?  ;D

For continuity sake at the beginning you blur a few days together. Perhaps nightmares, or an odd dream, to prove a sense of temporal flow.

More focus/discussion with Sym + doctor/community 'elder' about a grand community/civilization. More pro's and con's.

More of an epiphany about the concept of human tepe's and their role in the universe.

Also it could be a good time to reveal more about the heirarchy that is the imperium.

Well, there's my two cent's worth of opinions. I reserve the right to change them at any time and to claim that they were mistakes. Um, unless you like them... in which case, yay me!  8)

Also, J-Man5, that's just... wrong man. Wrong.  Nookie? Why the Cowboy BeBop reference? Why man -WHY?-

p.s. Chocolate chip, peanut butter, shortening, *drooling*... gotta go, bye!

p.s.s. *tummy grumblies*

Personally I didnt find the chapter flat at all Fel.  I think you were over analyzing it since you had it for so long.   It just seemed to be a setup chapter for 9.  Sometimes you just gotta get you house in order first.  Thats what this chapter was all about.  Looking forward to the next one already!!!

fel wrote:So, find the missing piece. The winner gets a cookie.

Wooot, more subjugation!

*ahem*

Missing? IMO, there's nothing really missing...

I do think laying out a plan for overthrowing direct faey control of earth - straight up is a bit much... perhaps show some sort of development of the idea through the chapter...

Maybe Jason goes with the idea of setting up a small city. As more and more people join him, the idea of a seperate state/county Outside of direct Trillane control. Basicly just a bit more of an organised refuge for humans who can't live under faey control, but still want some sort of normality/sanity in their lives.

*Shrug* Either way, the chapter was damn fine

More interesting tech for me to dream about

thanks great story

Not bad.  I think the doctor part needed to be filled out a bit, and this is the first time I've heard of the Stargate being there.  Intro to it maybe?

I agree with Lochar on the doctor part.

The stargate was mentioned briefly in the previous chapter:

But there had been no traffic or transmissions yet that hinted that they were coming, and no skimmers or dropships or fightercraft had appeared in the sky, only the occasional sighting of a freighter taking off from Columbus, heading for the stargate that the Faey had constructed about halfway between Earth and the moon

They still use plaster for immobilizing broken arm? I guess without access to advanced technology (some "breathing" material) that it must do.

Burning. Isn't it what artificial skin is for?

Stargates?

I wonder if Faey armor can take a hit from a staff weapon, or a zat?

Uh, nevermind.

tff wrote:Stargates?
I wonder if Faey armor can take a hit from a staff weapon, or a zat?

Probably , it's what I keep thinking about everytime it comes up too. I have to remind myself it's in space ;D!

Anyway the Chapter was good. I do agree with Lochar and Greymist about the doctor part, that's the only part which seemed at all flat, the chapter got better as it went on. Keep up the great writing .

Fel, do you still plan on editing this chapter?  Or is it safe for me to post it.  That's what I've been waiting on, is a revised edition.

lochar wrote:Fel, do you still plan on editing this chapter?  Or is it safe for me to post it.  That's what I've been waiting on, is a revised edition.

Lochar you tease.

Thank you, very much.  I thought it was quite funny, now that you point it out. LOL